Yesterday I decided to try Nair for the first time ever. Because, what's the worst that could happen?
HA HA HA HA HA. WELL. Let me tell you about the worst that can happen.
I applied a thick layer of the cream to my arms and waited the prescribed one minute.
It is important to note that the instructions for Nair state, in capital letters, "DO NOT LEAVE ON FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES." It is also important to note that my oven was self-cleaning while this ill-fated attempt at hair removal was going on.
At the end of my one-minute, at which point the acid had nearly disintegrated all of my arm-hair and I was climbing into the shower, the greedy, power-hungry, menace of an oven sucked up all the power in the entire house and every single breaker blew. Including the one for the water pump.
I flipped on the shower, the pipes hissed at me, then - silence.
Silence except for the voices in my head going, "No, no, no, no, no, NO, NO."
I rushed to the sink. Nothing.
I ran to the kitchen and yanked open the fridge. Why is there no bottled water in my house?!
Then the lights went out.
Then I said a lot of cuss words in my head.
So, to recap: I am standing in my kitchen, in a towel, in the dark, with acid slowly burning the hair off of my arms, and in 8 minutes, my skin - and the water is out.
Things I considered: 1. Rinsing it off with juice. 2. Running to the neighbors house in my towel. 3. Using the water in the toilets. 4. Wiping it off with a towel, letting the hospital treat the boils with skin grafts, and wearing long sleeves every day for the rest of my life.
I hope you'll agree with me that using the water in the toilets is the lesser of the evils represented here, effectually proving that I'M NOT CRAZY.
And that is how it came to pass that I stood over a toilet, a lantern between my teeth, and frantically sponge-bathed Nair off of my arms with toilet water, in a surreal, embarrassing race against the clock.
Which brings me to the morals of this story - there are three.
1. Any over-the-counter product whose main selling point is that it chemically burns things off of your body in 2 minutes, do not use that thing.
2. Amend your toilet cleanliness standards from "A Party Guest Should Be Able to Throw Up In It" to "Would Personally Be Willing To Rinse Nair Off Of Arms In It."
And finally, most practically,
3. Cleaning your oven is overrated.
Update: There are no boils on my arms, and the rash should disappear any day now. Aaaaaannny day.