Yesterday I had my first of what I'm sure will be many lame-o, slacker parent moments. At precisely 11:20 am, 15 minutes before we leave for preschool, I asked Madeline to retrieve her bookbag from the doorknob - where it hung for the duration of spring break. I opened up her binder and heat rushed my face when I read these words:
April 19th - Each child should bring a basket, five empty plastic eggs, and one bag of individually wrapped candy to share (NO PEANUTS).
Nooooooooooooooooooo! It was written, mockingly, in giant black letters on hot pink paper so that I couldn't miss it. That is unless I neglected to OPEN THE BINDER for an entire week. It was spring break; is nothing sacred?
Now, it is less than a week before Easter, so NATURALLY all of our Easter things are...
still in the attic.
Except for the candy. That's still at the store.
I calmly and rationally called my husband and said:
"OHMYGOSH I'msogladIcaughtyou! Canyoucomehome RIGHT NOW and get the ladder and um, getalltheEasterstuffoutoftheattic? <gasp> Madeline needs to bring a basket and eggs to school TODAY! RIGHT NOW! Can you believe the nerve of some teachers!? They didn't text me or drop by to let me know or ANYTHING!!"
"Um, I'm at the bank."
"How big of a deal is it, really? Can you bring it in later today?"
"SHE CANNOT BE THE ONLY CHILD WITH NO EASTER BASKET."
"Why don't you just use the one that mom sent her last week?"
Now, that hadn't occurred to me. "Okay, sure. I can do that. But I CANNOT BE THE ONLY MOM WHO DIDN'T SEND CANDY TO SHARE. OUR REPUTATION IS ON THE LINE, HERE, SOLDIER. Do you think I can climb up into the attic by myself?"
*Note* It is important for you to know, here, that the only entrance to our attic is a small hole in the ceiling of our garage. There is no pull-down ladder, so in order to get up there you have to position a large ladder underneath the hole, climb up onto the top stair (that you're not technically supposed to step on), with a flashlight in hand, (because there's no light), and hoist yourself up through the hole and onto the beams (because there's no floor). Then you have to tiptoe from beam to beam in order to locate the Easter bins in the dark. When you've found them, you must dangle yourself out of the hole, bin in hand, find the ladder and climb down with the bin AND flashlight in your arms. No biggie, right? I could do that by myself. 6 months pregnant. And not die. And still leave for school in 10 minutes.
Here is what the attic looks like:
And here is what my belly looks like:
Okay - now that you have all the facts we can resume the dialogue.
"...Do you think I can climb up into the attic by myself?"
Dan very graciously replied, "Um, I don't want you to do that. I'm leaving the bank right now, okay?" He was actually thinking, "You have lost your BLAME MIND, woman. Your crazy might be too-far gone, but I'm not letting you take my son down with you."
So for the millionth time Dan rushed to my rescue. While he was on his way home, I found the basket full of goodies from "Grandmommy Sandra" (thanks again - it's the gift that keeps on giving!) and DUMPED the whole thing out on my kitchen table. There is still Easter grass everywhere - in my hair, in my fridge. I stuffed some of the purple grass back in the bottom of the basket and added a big polka-dot bow as a last ditch effort to disguise my slacker parent-ness.
Then Madeline and I waited for Dan in the car, all buckled up, watching the clock. As soon as I saw him round the corner I started backing out - he practically had to throw the Dollar General bag full of eggs and candy into the car window as we pulled out of the driveway.
I managed to make it to the school only 3 minutes late. Then with 6 of my arms I picked up: my purse, my keys, Madeline's bookbag, the giant Easter basket, the Dollar General bag, and Madeline's cane. With my other 2 arms I unbuckled her carseat, lifted her out, and picked up her flip-flops that she had kicked off in the car. When I crouched down to help her get her shoes on, everything in my arms toppled out into the parking lot. Awesome.
Bedraggled, I led Madeline into school, leaving a trail of purple Easter grass and graham cracker crumbs in my wake, noticably sweating. I'm not sure I fooled anyone.