This year I held a contest.
The competitors were the various Laffy Taffys in Madeline's Halloween basket - each man for himself. I was looking for the Worst. Joke. Ever.
The winning taffy gets...well it probably gets to sit there in the basket watching the more delicious candies get eaten all around it, and eventually get thrown away sometime in November.
Madeline got three Laffy Taffys this year, so this is what we are working with:
1: Q: What is a buckaneer? A: Expensive corn.
Q: How do you get an alien baby to sleep? A: You rocket.
2: Q: Why did the old woman tie skates to the rocking chair? A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Q: Why did the skunk cross the road? A: To get to the odor side.
3: Q: What do you get when you send a cow to Alaska? A: Cold cream!
Q: What did the book say to the page? A: Don't turn away from me.
Okay. So. "Buck-an-ear" is actually pretty clever. Not as obvious or as obviously a stretch as some of the others. So the first taffy is out - too witty to win.
Moving on. Why did the old woman tie skates to the rocking chair? Rock and roll? *eye roll* Gimme a break. (Kit-Kats, better than Laffy Taffys!) Better answer: She had dementia.
So taffy number two was a contender until I opened up the flap on that last bad boy.
This must have been a bottom-of-the-barrel piece. Cold cream? As in the stuff my mom puts on her face to remove her makeup? The stuff that smells like grandma?
Gross. Now the last thing I want to do is eat taffy. I think that, for the children, ice cream may have been a better choice.
And that groaner is only to be outdone by the last joke. I don't even know where to begin.
First of all, it doesn't make any sense. It is impossible for a page to turn away from a book. It is sandwiched inside the two covers, it is bound to the middle, it is the heart of the book. If it turns away from the front cover, it is turning towards the back. You could turn a page a thousand times and it stays in exactly the same proximity to the book.
Second of all, it's depressing! I read it and imagine a once-happy, flirtatious couple whose relationship has grown cold. The romance is gone and they interact politely at best, like strangers who are roommates. I imagine the poor guy making a final attempt to connect with his wife - to recapture some semblance of intimacy. "Please, don't turn away from me." Heartbreaking!
So, Laffy Taffy number three. You win. Nasty cold cream and nonsensical, depressing jokes. You are the worst of the worst.
You can wear that title proudly all the way to the garbage can.