Fatty

I think we can all agree that Mexican food is superior to every other genre of cuisine in the universe.  First of all, there is fresh salsa; all tomato-y and cilantro-y.  Then there is cheese.   And guacamole.  And grilled onions.  End of discussion. QuesoSourcreamTaquitosQuesadillasEnchiladasPlantainsRefriedbeansSopapillas.

Okay, now end of discussion.

I have loved the build your own burrito trend with every fiber of my belly, or being, or whatever.  Moe's, Chipotle, Q'doba - I support them all indiscriminately.  Locally, we have a Barberitos.

Their salsas are superb. They have fresh jerk fish on Fridays. They have all manner of vegan and vegetarian options. It is my happy place.

But I have a bone to pick with Barberitos.

When it comes to your burritos, you can order a:

- Skinny (rice, beans, protein, cheese, and salsa) - Fatty (a Skinny plus sour cream OR guacamole) - or a Heavy D (a skinny with sour cream AND guacamole).

Seriously?  You want me to walk into a restaurant and order a Fatty?

"Yes, I'll take a Fatty please, with a side of cholesterol and the partially hydrogenated oil cocktail to drink."

What marketing genius came up with that idea?  I hope they are jobless and living on the street, out of respect for the profession.

I've decided that from this day forward, I will bring my own container of sour cream so that I can order a Skinny and add my own sour cream at the table, sans judgement.  Although, if it's my reputation I'm concerned about I don't know that carrying around my own container of sour cream is a step in the right direction.

Regardless!  Every time I go, I order a chicken burrito and when they pass it down the line to the condiments section I say, "Yes to pico!  Lettuce, cheese, onions, and cilantro!  AND YES TO SOUR CREAM."  I will not play your game, Barberitos!

Then they shout to the lady at the cash register, "Chicken FATTY!"

Jerks. I can't win.

When I unleashed my "fatty" diatribe at Dan a few weeks ago, he said,

"It shows what you care about; you didn't mind ordering a "Homewrecker Jr." at Moe's."

Okay, okay, okay - very funny.  He's a psychologist now.

I think the difference is that the word "Homewrecker" is unrelated to the number of calories in my burrito; the word "Fatty" is not.   While I know that the burrito-makers, cashiers, and other customers in line couldn't care less, while I know that Barberitos is not calling me a fatty, while I know that even if they were, I should be able to order one with my head held high (common sense, self-esteem, and all that jazz) - it still rubs me the wrong way.

Barberitos,  you do not get to call me a fatty for wanting sour cream on my burrito.

You can call me a fatty because of my incessant child-bearing, my soft spot for chocolate-covered pretzels, the ample bosom I inherited from my grandmother, my intolerance for outdoor activity when the temperature inches over 73 degrees (which in Georgia is 9 months out of the year), but NOT for wanting sour cream on my burrito.

Did you know that I WALKED HERE ?  That I pushed 70 lbs worth of stroller and children and their loot 2 miles to get here?  Did you know that I pushed them through grass, over gravel, and up hills (in the snow, with no shoes, uphill both ways)?  I didn't think so.  That might not constitute an intense work out to you, Barberitos, but I'm darn sure that it burned off the ONE TABLESPOON of sour cream that you are stigmatizing.

You might take a clue from Subway, who is all amped up about their "heart healthy avocado."

I love everything about your restaurant and will continue to give you my patronage, but please, stop calling me a fatty, however indirectly.

Sincerely, the lady who orders the "chicken burrito with sour cream."

Exhale, end rant, thank you very much.